There has been so much change this Summer! So many different situations, hardships and restless nights. I didn’t think I would ever go through so much in so little time. And there have been and are so many days where I have just lost all strength and where I have laid my head to sleep at night, thinking to myself “God, why”? A lot of people haven’t seen that side of me, including my husband. I keep it to myself and try to never let that show. I try to just keep it between myself and God. No one else. I am at this place, this point…where I don’t know what to say, what to do or even where to go.
Yesterday, I talked with God on my way to church. I told Him what I long for, for my family and I. What our desires and wants are. I told God that I was taking a step of faith, making a vow to Him that I am going to trust Him completely: 100%. That I will wait upon Him. Believe me, this is one of the hardest things I will ever have to do. I always feel like I have to have some sort of connection to the controls or to the way life is going for me. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of having so many different emotions, so many feelings about so many situations. My mind has been a complete disaster (and if you know me, I like to be organized). We sang a song yesterday during worship at church “So In Love” and it’s one that I have always loved to sing and to hear. It talks about being so in love with God, how amazing He is and being changed in His presence. I stood there in awe of my Creator, my Father, my King and I asked Him to change me. To engulf me. To surround me and to make me just like Him. I don’t want to be the same as I have been. I don’t want to struggle with all those little things I have always struggled with. I’m ready to be done with it. I’m ready to just let go and let God be in control of my life and the path I’m on.
Even now, there is still so much going on inside of me. So many things I’m trying to wrap my head around, so many situations coming so fast at me. And from day to day, I have felt overwhelmed. Trying to help here and be there. Trying to support and trying to defend at the same time. I have had some changes in my life already. Changes, of course…for the better. I’ve noticed a difference in myself. More of a relaxed side of myself that I haven’t seen in a very long time and I’m starting to love it.
Right now…we have so much going on, although it doesn’t sound like it, look like it or even seem like it. It’s like a rush of things just hitting us all at once. A huge BAM! And one of those huge blessings in our life is our baby girl, Amelia Grace. Can’t wait until she is here! She is going to be the love of our life and our world. At the beginning , I must confess…I thought maybe I made the wrong decision with deciding to “try” and Ben reminded me that that was and never will be the case. God blessed us with a true miracle. A miracle that I cannot wait to meet! We are just trying to situate ourselves in a place to where we are more stable financially and grounded in what we are wanting and needing to do. We finally have to come to a point where we are just trusting that God has everything in control. That we don’t need to worry or doubt or be afraid of what’s to come in the next few months, but to know that we have peace and faith in what God has done, is doing and what He is going to do. I remember my Mom telling me at one point that when she was praying for me and over me before I was born, God spoke to her and told her, “she will never lack for anything”. When I look back, I never have and I know that I never will.
God has amazed me in so many ways these past few months. We are still waiting on some other things to go through and get settled down. That’s taking some patience to pull through, but we are getting there. We are just staying focused on God and His plan for us. We know that He has the best of the best for us and that we will never receive less than that. I am so thankful and so unbelievably amazed at God. I am thankful for so much that I don’t even know where to begin.
What a blessing my life is. I will always treat it with value and high regard.
This is really good, K8. <3
Thank you. There is just so much going on inside of me. I don’t even know where to start or begin. It’s like I’m right in the middle of it. There’s no beginning and no ending.